Welcome

Forgot Password?
Online Members
None
Online Guests: 1
Page Counter
32,659
Well I might as well be f1rst
Forum » Science Fiction » Personal Creations!
Joined: 5th Dec 2012
Rank: --
Likes 2
19th Dec 2012

I know it's arrogant to assume anyone has any interest in reading it, but I just finished writing a story and I figured this forum was empty so far...

http://www.fictionpress.c ... 32765/Agent-Daffodil

I can't seem to shut up when I write so I've got a lot of stuff (the one I just finished is at the top of the list), but I'm not convinced any of it's any good. The only thing I love more than writing is thoughtful critiques of my stories, so.....well, I dunno, if you're bored or something over break, I figured I might give you something new to read....
Joined: 4th Dec 2012
Rank: President
Likes 9
20th Dec 2012

So I finished the book today because I was so interested in how this book could possibly end, and all I got to say about it is that it was HIGHLY disappointing in my opinion. I mean I see the motivation for the story and how it ties in so well with the author, but compared to what we have read in class this did not meet the bar.

On a good note I liked the witty quotes and comments about how ignorant humans are, and how not only are we limited by our threee dimensional world, but how we are limited to our own views as well.

Anyone else finish this novel and wish to discuss it??
Joined: 5th Dec 2012
Rank: --
Likes 2
21st Dec 2012

WOW I didn't actually expect anyone to read it! Thanks a lot for the comments! If it seems like a lot was left unresolved, it's because this is only part one, and part two is going to more of a continuation than a sequel. Can you be a little more specific on what it is you didn't like?
Joined: 5th Dec 2012
Rank: --
Likes 2
24th Dec 2012

Were you actually talking about Slaughterhouse Five or did you really read this?
Joined: 3rd Dec 2012
Rank: Vice President
Likes 19
24th Dec 2012

Having read some of the book, I think that is what he was talking about.... not really sure what it's doing in this thread XD
Joined: 3rd Dec 2012
Rank: Vice President
Likes 19
25th Dec 2012

And just for the record, I am planning on reading this but haven't had the time. Don't want you to feel like no one is reading it XD and I love critiquing! if that's ok with you
Joined: 5th Dec 2012
Rank: --
Likes 2
25th Dec 2012

That's very nice of you, but I honestly won't feel hurt if no one reads it. I understand that it's really long and people are busy and maybe it's not good enough to keep someone's attention for that long. I was just somewhat frustrated because he wasn't responding is all. I love getting critiques, even if they're negative. The only thing I love more than writing is a thoughtful critique on one of my stories

...I was also wondering how he was able to read it all in one day, so I guess having the comment be on Slaughterhouse 5 makes more sense -_-
Joined: 3rd Dec 2012
Rank: Vice President
Likes 19
25th Dec 2012

Lol. well. I love critiquing, so even if I don't read the entire thing I think I'll probably be able to give you comments on how to make it so I'll want to if that's all right.
Joined: 5th Dec 2012
Rank: --
Likes 2
26th Dec 2012

Of course! I love any feedback
Joined: 3rd Dec 2012
Rank: Vice President
Likes 19
25th Jan 2013

I started reading this and I really wish it was a googledoc XD you have a lot of really cool elements and I'm intrigued by the story, but there are some places I could make note of that would benefit from a change. I'll definitely continue reading this though, and hopefully I'll be able to give you some overarching feedback once I'm done
Joined: 5th Dec 2012
Rank: --
Likes 2
25th Jan 2013

Okay, thanks! Please don't be afraid of hurting my feelings...I think I'm paranoid that everything I write is secretly terrible but everyone is too afraid to tell me...so I'd like to know basically what jumps out at you, what you like, and what you don't like.
Joined: 3rd Dec 2012
Rank: Vice President
Likes 19
25th Jan 2013

Ok, so.... having finished part 1, section 1 (which I realize is nothing XD) you seem to have good dialogue, which is impressive (I doubt i could do it) but my main complaint is that these recruits have been trained before, so for them to be so disrespectful seems a little unbelievable to me. They seem more like this is the first sense of training they've ever gotten, whereas I would expect them to understand what an honor they're being given in being chosen to be one of these riders. If they haven't actually been given previous training, you may want to allude to that - as it stands I assumed the opposite.

Aside from that, you have a few grammatical things I would fix and sentences that may benefit from different word choices, but the story is certainly solid and engaging, and the dialogue draws me in. It does make me a little sad that you're using straight-up dragons, but it's also cool where they come from. As long as it's revealed how people began to ride them and why they fight other wellspring creatures, I'll be happy
Last Edit: 25th Jan 2013 by Taryn
Joined: 3rd Dec 2012
Rank: Vice President
Likes 19
26th Jan 2013

as a side-note, what's your major? Curious XD (you've probably told me and I forgot hahaha)
Joined: 5th Dec 2012
Rank: --
Likes 2
26th Jan 2013

Thanks a lot! The attitude of the trainees could be different because this is post-apocalyptic, and the army isn't going to be exactly the same as it is now....or it could just be my poor writing, who knows? And at this point, yes, the audience assumes they've been trained with handling their weapons. I decided to skip that part cause that would be really boring. And I don't know anything about swords so.

Are you disappointed in the dragons because you were hoping for something more original? And yeah, the origin of the dragons becomes a major plot point later on in the story.
Joined: 3rd Dec 2012
Rank: Vice President
Likes 19
26th Jan 2013

Ah ok, well I think you could subtly hint at the informality of the previous training, just so the audience is aware that it's not like the current military

And yea, mostly for something a bit more original, since everything else seems pretty unique. I got all excited when they were going to reveal the dragon powers and then it was just fire out of their mouths XD hahahaha
Joined: 5th Dec 2012
Rank: --
Likes 2
26th Jan 2013

Haha! Okay. Truthfully I don't think I'm going to change anything at this point just because I'm too lazy and I already declared this story finished, but I'll definitely keep that in mind. And as for powers, there's going to be some more stuff coming up that you might like, but I kind of wanted more or less traditional dragons for the Guild, just because that's how I pictured it in my head. It could have been better, though, there's always room for improvement.
Joined: 5th Dec 2012
Rank: --
Likes 2
26th Jan 2013

I'm a bio major......hm, maybe that's why I try to add in little notes that make my fantasy creatures seem plausible.
Joined: 3rd Dec 2012
Rank: Vice President
Likes 19
26th Jan 2013

Yea, I can understand why you wouldn't change anything at this point and awesome! you should definitely keep writing on the side though, I like this stuff
Joined: 5th Dec 2012
Rank: --
Likes 2
26th Jan 2013

Well thanks! Writing is kind of my hobby, I just enjoy making my stories a lot...so I'm glad that someone else enjoys it too
Joined: 3rd Dec 2012
Rank: Vice President
Likes 19
27th Jan 2013

Yea, I'm actually finding myself getting really wrapped up in it XD I've been reading it in my spare time all day. So while there are problems, you can at least be sure that it's interesting and good enough that I'm sticking with it
Forum » Science Fiction » Personal Creations!
Please login or register to reply.
Chat Box
Roster
Events
Recent Topics
Getting the Gang Bac...
Ana
26th Feb 2014 · Last

Suggestions for Nove...
Ana
13th Nov 2013 · Last




FFXIV
Taryn
8th Jul 2013 · Last

Summer Readings
Taryn
8th Jul 2013 · Last

It's not Sci-Fi.....
Breanna
19th Apr 2013 · Last


Top Posters
thrvando
22 posts